When I look back on all the years, I see that I’ve mostly ridden every wave, instead of steering in any desired direction Dream after dream, passed up due to fear and laziness, I’ve wound up so far from the expectations of others I waited so long to take control, and I fear that it’s too late to make myself something of true value And so I think this is the end of the road, the one I finally traveled so far along, the one I thought would take me somewhere different It’s led to failure, rejection, and silence, over and over and over, and it has me thinking there is nothing left I abandoned the ones who depended on me because I thought they were keeping me from being who I truly needed to be I left the place that I thought wasn’t home anymore, and came to where I thought I belonged But now I see only glimpses of the other people I care about, and they likewise only see glimpses of me because I have nothing to share but shame It feels like a lie any time I accomplish
I used to be bothered by the noise of others, the shouts of joy, the celebration of a birthday, or the victory of the local team, or the music playing on a stereo, but now I realize that it wasn't the fear of something getting out of hand, and being kept awake, but the feeling of missing out. I'm at a far later point in my life now, and when I hear those voices I wish I were a part of them, like a younger me once was, drawing their energy to carry me through the wee hours of the next day, and believing that at the very least I had the company of friends. And so the party next door carries on while I lay in bed and can imagine a near future where I might be invited to dance and shout and hug... or maybe not, and instead I can just be happy that they're all happy, and let the laughter and thumping bass lull myself to sleep...
Listening to the rain pouring down outside as I sit here holding your hand rubbing mine back and I still don’t know why you love me and how I got here The wind gusts constantly shaking the building and there is just as potent a storm of bad thoughts inside my head telling me that I’m not worthy The rain streams down my face while you’re there unaware as both storms rage on and all I can do is weather it all and not ruin another day
We were at our usual watering hole, Knickerbocker’s at the Connecticut Post Mall in Milford, and having an ok time, when Liz arrived with a couple of friends whom I hadn’t ever met before. I had had a little crush on Liz a month earlier but things didn’t work out. Andy, one of the other guys in our group, wound up telling me point blank that if I “didn’t make a move on her” that he would. And indeed, he did and they were now a couple. They all appeared to be a bit tipsy but one of them in particular was particularly drunk, which was a shame because she was quite pretty. She had long black hair tied up in a bun, and was wearing a short black dress, sheer black tights, and black high heels. I turned to my then best friend Eric, took another sip of my beer, and listened to his conversation with the other guys. I didn’t really have much status in the group, usually just showed up wherever Eric went as he was always the funniest person among them. We two were pretty close, but everyone
I wish I felt like I was mature enough to have what other girls do I hate that I still have what boys do and have to hide it to wear the things that other girls do and not look like a fool and a fraud
It's still so hard for me to make friends I still have so much pain and shame that I feel like I simply cannot share any of it without spoiling opportunities... "We just want to get to know you," someone said to me recently, and I just stood there and responded, "I still hurt a lot," even though it was over ten years ago... Sometimes I wonder how much people actually know about me other than that I mostly show the bright, simple things in my life while everything else lurks in the shadows... It feels selfish to think that no else has been through the kinds of things I have and for so long... My experiences always seem so much more severe, and anytime someone talks about theirs, I withdraw because I don't want to take up more space than them... I wish I knew how to either bury the past completely, once and for all, or be able to keep on the mask, and not let slip out any of it...
That moment When you receive a gift That you would otherwise instantly love But fear that any amount of emotional investment Would be wasted Because in a short amount of time You may not have a place At all To put it
O, how I wish I could just look at And talk to any random person And not feel like an utter failure Or just be able to sit still And not feel All the pairs of eyes in the room Seeing right through my clothes Into the abyss of my psyche Even when people smile Or talk to me Including the one I love I feel like it’s out of a sense of duty Not desire Everyone else has everything together And so I hide here In the corner of the room On a pile of nothingness And nervousness
I watch you as you sing and rock her to sleep and think back to when I had my own and he was that small and I wonder if I was anywhere as good to him as you are to her right now…
Sometimes I feel like the ones I love think I take everything in the world for granted and in those moments I try to at least remind myself how fortunate I am and try to convince them how thankful I am but it never feels enough and I always feel undeserving All I have at this point in my life is gratitude and it never feels enough and I worry that someday I will not have reciprocated in time and everything will come to an end and I will be all alone again…
When I look back on all the years, I see that I’ve mostly ridden every wave, instead of steering in any desired direction Dream after dream, passed up due to fear and laziness, I’ve wound up so far from the expectations of others I waited so long to take control, and I fear that it’s too late to make myself something of true value And so I think this is the end of the road, the one I finally traveled so far along, the one I thought would take me somewhere different It’s led to failure, rejection, and silence, over and over and over, and it has me thinking there is nothing left I abandoned the ones who depended on me because I thought they were keeping me from being who I truly needed to be I left the place that I thought wasn’t home anymore, and came to where I thought I belonged But now I see only glimpses of the other people I care about, and they likewise only see glimpses of me because I have nothing to share but shame It feels like a lie any time I accomplish
I used to be bothered by the noise of others, the shouts of joy, the celebration of a birthday, or the victory of the local team, or the music playing on a stereo, but now I realize that it wasn't the fear of something getting out of hand, and being kept awake, but the feeling of missing out. I'm at a far later point in my life now, and when I hear those voices I wish I were a part of them, like a younger me once was, drawing their energy to carry me through the wee hours of the next day, and believing that at the very least I had the company of friends. And so the party next door carries on while I lay in bed and can imagine a near future where I might be invited to dance and shout and hug... or maybe not, and instead I can just be happy that they're all happy, and let the laughter and thumping bass lull myself to sleep...
Listening to the rain pouring down outside as I sit here holding your hand rubbing mine back and I still don’t know why you love me and how I got here The wind gusts constantly shaking the building and there is just as potent a storm of bad thoughts inside my head telling me that I’m not worthy The rain streams down my face while you’re there unaware as both storms rage on and all I can do is weather it all and not ruin another day
We were at our usual watering hole, Knickerbocker’s at the Connecticut Post Mall in Milford, and having an ok time, when Liz arrived with a couple of friends whom I hadn’t ever met before. I had had a little crush on Liz a month earlier but things didn’t work out. Andy, one of the other guys in our group, wound up telling me point blank that if I “didn’t make a move on her” that he would. And indeed, he did and they were now a couple. They all appeared to be a bit tipsy but one of them in particular was particularly drunk, which was a shame because she was quite pretty. She had long black hair tied up in a bun, and was wearing a short black dress, sheer black tights, and black high heels. I turned to my then best friend Eric, took another sip of my beer, and listened to his conversation with the other guys. I didn’t really have much status in the group, usually just showed up wherever Eric went as he was always the funniest person among them. We two were pretty close, but everyone
I wish I felt like I was mature enough to have what other girls do I hate that I still have what boys do and have to hide it to wear the things that other girls do and not look like a fool and a fraud
It's still so hard for me to make friends I still have so much pain and shame that I feel like I simply cannot share any of it without spoiling opportunities... "We just want to get to know you," someone said to me recently, and I just stood there and responded, "I still hurt a lot," even though it was over ten years ago... Sometimes I wonder how much people actually know about me other than that I mostly show the bright, simple things in my life while everything else lurks in the shadows... It feels selfish to think that no else has been through the kinds of things I have and for so long... My experiences always seem so much more severe, and anytime someone talks about theirs, I withdraw because I don't want to take up more space than them... I wish I knew how to either bury the past completely, once and for all, or be able to keep on the mask, and not let slip out any of it...
I watch you as you sing and rock her to sleep and think back to when I had my own and he was that small and I wonder if I was anywhere as good to him as you are to her right now…
Sometimes I feel like the ones I love think I take everything in the world for granted and in those moments I try to at least remind myself how fortunate I am and try to convince them how thankful I am but it never feels enough and I always feel undeserving All I have at this point in my life is gratitude and it never feels enough and I worry that someday I will not have reciprocated in time and everything will come to an end and I will be all alone again…
I can see my two feet in front of me, the chair across the room, the glass of lemonade that I've not yet finished drinking, my iPhone on the table wanting me to text someone but I can't bring myself to do, and your hand gently rubbing the skin on my thigh... I can hear the crow squawking outside, the sound of the air conditioner kicking in and out, the bad voices in my head, and your hand gently rubbing the skin on my thigh... I can feel the purple tights on my legs, the weight of the world on my head, and your hand gently rubbing the skin on my thigh... I can smell your beautiful hair as it drapes from your head to my shoulders, and the faint scent of yesterday's perfume... I can still taste this morning's breakfast as I wonder what I might have for dinner... "Good girl," you whisper into my ear, "You're back", and for a moment I am, realizing how utterly and profoundly lucky I am that you're here pulling me...
I come here all the time sometimes I can think, sometimes I can hide it, tonight I could not. I sat there in the corner unable to write anything not hearing from anybody. Neither Bjork nor Lana Del Rey could save my day, And that's when she came over and told me the owner said "This is for an awesome customer." I suppose he saw the one tear I tried hiding roll down my cheek before I wiped it off and nobody else noticed. "Do you want a hug?" she asked and I then let it all go and I was probably too much as she just listened and nodded and then walked away without saying anything And so I continued to sit in the corner momentarily believing I was something More, tried to write something, and eventually went home as someone Less…